Tuesday, May 8, 2012

On trying to be gender neutral

Oh the question: "Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?" It's probably the first question everyone asks, after "When are you due?" I don't mind the question; I asked it a million times, before I was pregnant, to other overwhelmed and emotional mommies to be.

What I find funny is the reaction people give you when you give the answer.

Depending on how they personally feel it could be: horror, disappointment, pride, confusion, sympathy, comrodery. You name it.

For us the answer is "No, we aren't going to find out the gender."

You can tell right away what camp people are in:

A look of confusion means camp -we are counting down the days until the 20 week ultrasound after which we will attack Babies r us and register for every pink or as the case may be blue thing in site.

Or if you see excitement it's camp - YES!!!! kindred spirits, we too feel that modern medicine has robbed us of our God given right to wonder for 9 months about the gender of our child, basking in a sea of yellow and green. We are the ones who really see childbirth for all it's glory and splendor!!!!

For us, it was a hard decision, because we didn't agree at first. Ry and I agree on almost everything, it's actually kind of weird. We do fight, just not about important things, we fight about taking out the trash (or rather the completion of the task of taking out the trash which in my opinion means replacing the trash bag with a new one...but that is neither here nor there). But for us it's just worked out that big things we are usually 100% in sync with each other.

So when I said I didn't want to find out the gender and he said he did, we were stumped. This was a big decision, how could we not agree, and what should we do now that we don't.

I made my case :

  1.  I don't want such polarizing colors and toys, I have been to too many princess baby showers and truck theme parties to make me want to ease my kid into gender roles. Soon enough they will pick those things out for themselves, while they are a baby, I want them to be a baby. My sister tried everything she could do to not introduce my niece to princesses, but it's impossible. 
  2. The ultrasound tech can be wrong. I knew someone who was told she was having a girl and actually had a boy, and it was devastating. Not that she didn't love her son, but she had been dreaming and planning and preparing for a girl, for 6 months. To be told it was a boy was almost like a death. No, I didn't want that. 
  3. Finally, I want that moment. When the doctor lifts up the baby, and my husband announces "it's a..." I want that, maybe I've seen too many movies. Maybe I am seeing my birth through rose colored glasses but I want that. For myself, for our new little family. For Ryan, for him to be the one to tell me what it is, because I was the one who got to tell him, that our little one was coming along. I knew, even if it was for just a few moments, that I was pregnant, I was the only one that knew. I want him to have that, to be able to tell me what I have been longing to hear my whole life. I want the movie.
He made his case:
  1. I don't think I can wait that long, I am too impatient.
  2. well...that was pretty much it. 
So we let it go, we didn't need to decide now anyway. I didn't want to harass him until her came to "my side " we just decided to think about it. And while I didn't waiver in my thoughts, he did. He decided he could wait. So waiting we are. 

And honestly I have no feeling either way, I have dreamed it was a boy and I have dreamed it was a girl. Those gender predicting tests online say it's a boy, but others have told me they think it's a girl. Only time will tell! 

Monday, May 7, 2012

Letters to the Little One

Dear Baby,

Last night Daddy and I heard your heart beat for the first time. I had been anticipating this moment since I knew you were on your way. Counting the days, hours, minutes. In fact the first time we went to the Drs to check on you, I had to stop my self from grabbing the doppler off the desk and trying to catch one beat of your tiny heart. I am glad I didn't, I probably wouldn't have been able to hear it anyway.

But back to last night, it was sort of anti climatic. But magical all the same. For some reason I had a bad case of the giggles. Thinking about it later, I think the giggles were just nervous energy. You see there was a time when I really thought I would be single forever. Your father and I didn't meet until I was 30, most of our friends were on their 2nd or 3rd kid by that time. He was worth the wait. But as these moments, that I was so convinced would never happen for me: meeting the love of my life, getting engaged, trying on wedding dresses, saying our vows, just seem to make me crack up. So inappropriate I know, get used to it, I am sure it's not stopping any time soon.

But I laid down on the table, and the Dr squirted some jelly on me and started searching for you. This is when it began. The giggles. The silent, so untimely, giggle fits. You father refused to look at me, knowing that he would make it worse. This made me a little sad; in my mind I pictured us holding hands crying tears of joy as we heard the little "whoosh- whoosh" of your life. Instead Dad resolutely looked in the other direction, while I giggled like a school girl. Sigh. After two giggle fits, the Dr was kind of running out of patience, she exclaimed - "I won't be able to hear it if you keep doing that". Message received.

I held my breath. And then, faintly I heard you. It was just a passing "whoosh" at first, and then she settled on it. It was fast, 150 bpm , which is a normal good rate. But faster than I thought it would be. She listened to it for a while, while I tried to burn this memory into my brain. So I could tell you later, I remember when...

Then it was over, silent again as she cleaned up the jell. Oh how sweet that little sound was. How happy Daddy and I were. How REAL it all of a sudden seemed.

We love you Little One. Keep growing!
Love, Mommy

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Just another Mommy Blog?

Mommy Blogs. There are so many. But there is always room for one more right? I am a new mommy, well, some may say I am not even a mommy yet; as I write this I am 9 weeks pregnant with our first child. 9 weeks, crazy because it seems like I have been pregnant forever and at the same time hardly any time at all.

In terms of my pregnancy I am just about a fourth of the way through. Hard to believe. I feel like I have come a long way in just a few weeks. We found out we were pregnant around 5 weeks. Yes, we were trying. Did we think we would get pregnant the first month we tried? No we sure didn't. 

But surprise we did!!

I knew I was pregnant pretty quickly, my temperatures we very high - your temperature spikes and stays high after you ovulate and will stay high until your period - or in my case stay high if you are pregnant. So that was my first clue. My second clue was that I had some implantation bleeding and a little cramping. When it came to peeing on the stick, I was shocked and scared, but not surprised.

I woke up my husband with the stick bearing the words "pregnant" in my hand. We called my sister, because we HAD to tell someone. We are horrible secret keepers and liars. Good qualities to be lacking I think!

Tomorrow is our first OB appointment. We will finally get some answers to the million of questions we have!