Tuesday, May 8, 2012

On trying to be gender neutral

Oh the question: "Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?" It's probably the first question everyone asks, after "When are you due?" I don't mind the question; I asked it a million times, before I was pregnant, to other overwhelmed and emotional mommies to be.

What I find funny is the reaction people give you when you give the answer.

Depending on how they personally feel it could be: horror, disappointment, pride, confusion, sympathy, comrodery. You name it.

For us the answer is "No, we aren't going to find out the gender."

You can tell right away what camp people are in:

A look of confusion means camp -we are counting down the days until the 20 week ultrasound after which we will attack Babies r us and register for every pink or as the case may be blue thing in site.

Or if you see excitement it's camp - YES!!!! kindred spirits, we too feel that modern medicine has robbed us of our God given right to wonder for 9 months about the gender of our child, basking in a sea of yellow and green. We are the ones who really see childbirth for all it's glory and splendor!!!!

For us, it was a hard decision, because we didn't agree at first. Ry and I agree on almost everything, it's actually kind of weird. We do fight, just not about important things, we fight about taking out the trash (or rather the completion of the task of taking out the trash which in my opinion means replacing the trash bag with a new one...but that is neither here nor there). But for us it's just worked out that big things we are usually 100% in sync with each other.

So when I said I didn't want to find out the gender and he said he did, we were stumped. This was a big decision, how could we not agree, and what should we do now that we don't.

I made my case :

  1.  I don't want such polarizing colors and toys, I have been to too many princess baby showers and truck theme parties to make me want to ease my kid into gender roles. Soon enough they will pick those things out for themselves, while they are a baby, I want them to be a baby. My sister tried everything she could do to not introduce my niece to princesses, but it's impossible. 
  2. The ultrasound tech can be wrong. I knew someone who was told she was having a girl and actually had a boy, and it was devastating. Not that she didn't love her son, but she had been dreaming and planning and preparing for a girl, for 6 months. To be told it was a boy was almost like a death. No, I didn't want that. 
  3. Finally, I want that moment. When the doctor lifts up the baby, and my husband announces "it's a..." I want that, maybe I've seen too many movies. Maybe I am seeing my birth through rose colored glasses but I want that. For myself, for our new little family. For Ryan, for him to be the one to tell me what it is, because I was the one who got to tell him, that our little one was coming along. I knew, even if it was for just a few moments, that I was pregnant, I was the only one that knew. I want him to have that, to be able to tell me what I have been longing to hear my whole life. I want the movie.
He made his case:
  1. I don't think I can wait that long, I am too impatient.
  2. well...that was pretty much it. 
So we let it go, we didn't need to decide now anyway. I didn't want to harass him until her came to "my side " we just decided to think about it. And while I didn't waiver in my thoughts, he did. He decided he could wait. So waiting we are. 

And honestly I have no feeling either way, I have dreamed it was a boy and I have dreamed it was a girl. Those gender predicting tests online say it's a boy, but others have told me they think it's a girl. Only time will tell! 

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